Not to change the child, but to change with the child

"How to make a child comfortable?" - parents ask on online forums. Some people read books in search of an answer. The most advanced go to a psychologist. Of course, they formulate their question differently. For example: "How to make a child (teenager) obey?", "The child does not obey his grandmother. Of course I understand that Grandma is wrong, but you can't prove or explain anything to her. How can I persuade a child to obey my mother?" The essence is the same, how to make a child comfortable? Where is the red button?

I dare to disappoint you. Children are generally uncomfortable creatures. And trying to make the child comfortable and fit into the interior is a difficult and thankless task. It's like trying to break the laws of physics. It can be violated, but the consequences are usually not offended.

So it is with children: they want to drink and pee at the most inopportune moment; they will dig into the food that you offer them; violate your rules and the rules of your parents; dirty clothes; irritate with their slowness or activity; take expensive things of parents; cry and laugh off schedule; demand attention; break toys and ask for new ones; and they will do a lot of other inconvenient things, simply because they are characterized by high cognitive activity and very low self-control, as well as lack of ideas about the hierarchy of relations between people and the value of expensive material objects.

In fact, there is a red button that will instantly make your children comfortable. Fear. If children are intimidated by shouting, threats, a belt, flogging, deprivation, then they will become very much nothing. So comfortable, submissive. But only, as I have already said, they do not take offense at the consequences.

Is it really worth enduring and allowing the antics of a child? Not at all. It's just worth understanding one important thing: parenting books, psychology are not at all about how to make a child comfortable. They are about how to learn to live with a child. How to understand and find a common language with a child. How to nurture and build a relationship with a child. Just as a woman and a man build relationships, take into account the needs, interests, character, preferences, desires of each other. Everyone knows what happens when one adult suppresses another and makes him comfortable... Children have no such choice...

It turns out that it is necessary to build relationships with children? Exactly. An inconvenient child is a misunderstood child. It's difficult with him because you don't understand him. Thus, it is not necessary to look for an answer to the question "How to make a child comfortable in 10 days?", and "How to learn to understand your child?" And then, when understanding is achieved, it will become clear that behind every hysteria there is an unmet need; behind the spilled expensive perfume, curiosity; for uncontrollability and insanity, lack of adequate boundaries; for non-compliance with not quite sound grandmother's prescriptions, the personality of the child. And not the desire to annoy you!

And if you dare to seek help from a child psychologist, be prepared for the fact that he will not show you the buttons. You know perfectly well where she is. And if you don't use it, then you want a better relationship with your child. But to learn to understand, listen, respect, trust, take responsibility - get ready. Not to change the child for yourself, but to change with the child - that's the key to a good relationship.

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