Леля Радомилова

It's just that there are more and more “lively” and hyperactive children. Some children cope with this condition. By themselves or with the help of parents and specialists. In another part of the children, their peculiarities are fixed in behavior, the way of knowing the world and problems arise: they are not wanted to be seen in kindergartens, they are transferred to individual education in schools. They are not kept in sections and circles. This does not mean that the child does not want to – he cannot, they cannot cope with him and society squeezes such children.
At the same time, experts say that the sooner it is possible to identify the problem, the easier it is to cope with it. While the characteristics of the child are not fixed in behavior and ways of communication. It's true.

Every parent has questions: HOW TO DETERMINE? what to do?

Next, I will tell you practical recommendations that are important not only for children with the label "hyperactive child", but also for ordinary "vivacious" when their activity begins to disturb others.
What can be applied to a hyperactive child, of course, also works for just very/too active and mobile children.

Next on the list:

HOW TO DETERMINE?

Can a parent without special education and skills cope with this task? Maybe. Already from birth, a parent can feel and identify the first signs of the child's condition, which can later lead to hyperactivity: the child falls asleep poorly and sleeps poorly, the child learns motor skills faster than peers, the child's strongly pronounced reactions to sound, light, touch.

After a year, everything becomes more obvious. The child is active, constantly wants to get, climb, get, but unlike an active child, getting does not concentrate on the object, but very quickly loses interest in it. Looking for and finding a new goal. This is similar to the behavior of a person who vacuums a room.

After three years, the child actively communicates with peers. A hyperactive child has difficulties communicating. Such a child can't play, follow the rules of the game, it's hard to wait. Depending on the severity of the problem at the age of three, parents no longer just feel, but clearly know about the problem.

what to do?

At a very early age, as soon as you feel that the behavior and condition of the child is similar to the one described above, contact a massage therapist.

Attention! The most common mistake in conducting a massage in this situation is a massage to reduce tone. There is an opinion that hyperactive children have an increased tone. Children predisposed to hyperactivity have a reduced tone and during the massage they need to tone up. Don't you agree? Then try to strain one arm. As much as you can. And now, without relaxing your hands, actively move it. I know it didn't work out. The result was slow, constrained movements. Hypertonus – tension – stiffness are the antipodes of hyperactivity.

For grown-up children:

▪ Use the interests of the child and..... NATURALLY SLOW DOWN. Likes to play ball, roll cars, throw toys? Buy big toys, big balls, big cars. The volume of toys and the weight of toys will naturally stop the child and develop plasticity of movements. If you give a toy to a child, do not give it in your hands. Let him reach for the toy. Put the items that the child is often interested in higher so that the child reaches for them. This will also slow down the child, make the movements more arbitrary.
Focus THE CHILD'S INTEREST ON HIMSELF. Learn to pay attention to yourself – learn to pay attention to the world around you and consider it not in flight and jump. Dress the child not "correctly". One sock, one ponytail for girls on one side. Dress the child not symmetrically. He will definitely pay attention to this. Don't wear a T-shirt to the end and start wearing tights. Also not to the end, and then finish with a T-shirt
▪ Train the arbitrariness of action (from the word WILL). Usually such children like to carry heavy things. Pour half of it into a plastic liter bottle of water. When the child carries it, the movement of the water in the bottle will constantly interfere with its retention.

Create a little discomfort for the child, but do not overdo it. Slowly and gradually. It is important not to bring the child to an emotional breakdown. This is another manifestation in hyperactive children – hyperemotionality.

Invent and invent.

Similar exercises can be used with children over three years old. At an older age, you can attract a child to water from a watering can (large) in the garden. Give him the responsible job of hosing down the lawn like an adult.
Allow me to put a pot of soup in the refrigerator. Just don't forget to feed the baby and eat yourself before that. Just in case. Dad will survive.
Encourage any useful and necessary housework – AS AN ADULT.

At the reception: (6-year-old boy, severe neurotic disorder)
- Who do you live with?
- With Mom.
- And Dad?
- And we kicked him out.
- How is that?
- We divorced him... he humiliates us... he 's not a man ... ruined our best years…

At the reception: (14-year-old teenager, severe migraines, fainting, illegal behavior)

• Why didn't you draw Dad, because you're the same family?
• It would be better if he didn't exist at all, such a dad…
• What do you mean?
• He fucked up his mother's whole life, behaved like a pig... now he doesn't work…
• And how does Dad treat you personally?
• Well, he doesn't scold for deuces…
  "... everything?"
• And that's it... what from him? ... I even earn money for my own entertainment…
• What do you do for a living?
• I'm making baskets…
• And who taught you?
• Father... he taught me a lot in general, I can still fish... I can drive a car... on a tree a little ...so by spring the boat was tarred, we will go fishing with my father.
• How do you sit in the same boat with a person who would be better off not being in the world at all?
• ... well, in general, we have such an interesting relationship with him... when my mother leaves, we are fine ... she doesn't get along with him, and I can even with my mother and father when not together...

At the reception: (a 6-year-old girl, communication problems, not attentive, nightmares, stuttering, biting her nails ...)

• Why did you draw only Mom and brother, but where are Dad and you?
• Well, we're in a different place so that Mom has a good mood…
• And if you are all together?
• That's bad…
• How bad is that?
• ... ... (girl crying)

After a while:
- Only you don't tell mom that I love dad too, very much…

At the reception: (teenager with severe neurotic disorder)

"... Does your son really believe in his father's death?"
- yes! We specifically told him this, ... and then God forbid he wants to meet with him, then you will not understand heredity, ... but my grandmother and I only say good things about my father, so that he does not worry and strives to become a good person.

At the reception: (8-year-old boy, severe depression and a number of other diseases)

• ... And what about Dad?
• I don't know…

I'm talking to my mom:

• You're not talking about your father's death?
• He knows, we talked about it... (mom is crying), and he doesn't ask, and he doesn't want to look at photos.

When Mom comes out of the office, I ask the boy:
- ... are you interested in finding out about Dad?

The boy comes to life and looks into my eyes for the first time.
- Yes, but you can't…
- why?
- Mom will cry again, don't.

While working with children, in my practice, I had to face the following facts:

Children love their parents equally much, regardless of the behavior they demonstrate.
The child perceives mom and dad as a whole and as an important part of himself.
The attitude of the child to the father and the father to the child is always formed by the mother. (The woman acts as an intermediary between the father and the child, it is she who broadcasts to the child: who his father is, what he is and how he should be treated).
The mother has absolute power over the child, she does with him whatever she wants, consciously or unconsciously. Such power is given to a woman by nature so that the offspring can survive without unnecessary doubts. At first, the mother herself is the child's world, and later she brings the child into the world through herself. The child learns the world through his mother, sees the world through her eyes, focuses on what is significant for his mother. Consciously and unconsciously, the mother actively forms the perception of the child. The mother also introduces the child's father, she broadcasts the degree of importance of the father. If the mother does not trust her husband, then the child will avoid the father.

At the reception:

• My daughter is 1 year 7 months old. She runs away from her father screaming, and when he takes her in his arms, she cries and breaks free. And lately she began to tell her father: “Go away, I don't love you. You're bad.”

• And how do you really feel about your husband?

• I am very offended by him... to the point of tears.

The attitude of the father to the child is also shaped by the mother. For example, if a woman does not respect the father of a child, then a man may refuse to pay attention to the child. The same situation repeats quite often: as soon as a woman changes her inner attitude towards the child's father, he unexpectedly expresses a desire to see the child and participate in his upbringing. And this is even in cases where the father had ignored the child for many years before.

If attention, memory is impaired, self–esteem is inadequate, and behavior leaves much to be desired, then there is a catastrophic lack of a father in the child's soul.
Rejection of the father in the family often leads to the appearance of intellectual and mental retardation of the child's development.
If the communicative sphere is disrupted, high anxiety, fears, and the child has not learned to adapt to life, and feels like a stranger everywhere, then he cannot find his mother in his heart in any way.
It is easier for children to cope with the problems of growing up if they feel that mom and dad accept them completely, as they are.
A child grows up healthy emotionally and physically when he is out of the zone of problems of his parents - each individually and/or them as a couple. That is, he takes his childhood place in the family system.
The child always “holds the flag” for the rejected parent. Therefore, he will connect with him in his soul by any means. For example, he can repeat the difficult features of fate, character, behavior, etc. Moreover, the more the mother does not accept these features, the more clearly they manifest in the child. But as soon as the mother sincerely allows the child to be like his father, to love him openly, the child will have a choice: to connect with his father through hard things or to love him directly – with his heart.
The child is devoted to mom and dad equally strongly, he is bound by love. But when a couple's relationship becomes difficult, the child, by the power of his devotion and love, is deeply involved in the difficult things that cause pain to parents. He takes on so much that he really eases the mental suffering of one or both parents at once in many ways. For example, a child can become psychologically equal to parents: a friend, a partner. And even a psychotherapist. And it can rise even higher, replacing them psychologically with their parents. Such a burden is unbearable neither for the physical nor for the mental health of the child. After all, in the end, he remains without his support – without parents.

When a mother does not love, does not trust, does not respect or is simply offended by the child's father, then looking at the child and seeing many manifestations of the father in him, consciously or unconsciously makes the baby understand that his “male part" is bad. It's like she's saying, “I don't like this. You're not my child if you look like your father.” And out of love for the mother, or rather because of a deep desire to survive in this family system, the child still refuses the father, and therefore the male in himself.

For such a refusal, the child pays too expensive a price. In his heart, he will never forgive himself for this betrayal. And he will definitely punish himself for this with a broken fate, poor health, bad luck in life. After all, it is unbearable to live with this guilt, even if it is not always realized. But this is the price of his survival.

In order to roughly feel what is going on in the child's soul, try to close your eyes and imagine the two people closest to you, for whom you can, without hesitation, give your life. And now all three of you, holding hands tightly, are in the mountains. But the mountain you were standing on suddenly collapsed. And it turned out that you miraculously stayed on the rock, and two of your dearest people hung over the abyss, holding your hands. Your strength is running out and you realize that you can't pull two out. Only one person can be saved. Who will you choose? At this point, moms tend to say, “No, it's better to die together. This is terrible!”Indeed, it would be easier, but the living conditions are such that the child has to make an impossible choice. And he does it. More often in the direction of mom. “Imagine that you finally let go of one person and pulled out another.

• How will you feel about someone you couldn't save?

• Huge, withering guilt.

• And to the one for whom you did it?

"Hate.”

But nature is wise - the topic of anger at the mother in childhood is tabulated rigidly. This is justified, because mom not only gives life, she also supports it. After abandoning Dad, Mom remains the only person who can support in life. Therefore, expressing your anger, you can cut down the branch on which you are sitting. And then this anger turns on itself (autoaggression). “It was me who did a bad job, I betrayed Dad, I didn't do enough to... and I'm the only one. Mom is not to blame - she is a weak woman.” And then the problems with behavior, mental and physical health begin.

The masculine is much more than resembling his own father. The male principle is the law. Spirituality. Honor and dignity. A sense of proportion (an inner sense of relevance and timeliness). Social self-realization (work for the soul, a good material income, a career) is possible only if there is a positive image of the father in the soul of a person.

No matter how wonderful the mother is, only the father can initiate the adult part inside the child. (Even if the father himself failed to build a relationship with his own father. This is not so important for the initiation process). Have you probably met adults who are infantile and helpless as children? They start a lot of things at the same time, have a lot of projects, but they never finish any of them. Or those who are afraid to start a business, to be active in social self-realization. Or those who can't say no. Or they do not keep their word, it is difficult to rely on them in anything. Or those who constantly lie. Or those who are afraid to have their own point of view, agree with many against their own will, “bending” under the circumstances. Or vice versa, those who behave defiantly, fight with the outside world, opposing themselves to other people, doing a lot in spades, or even behave unlawfully. Or those to whom life in society is given with great difficulty, “exorbitantly”, etc. – all these are those people who did not have access to their father.

"How to make a child comfortable?" - parents ask on online forums. Some people read books in search of an answer. The most advanced go to a psychologist. Of course, they formulate their question differently. For example: "How to make a child (teenager) obey?", "The child does not obey his grandmother. Of course I understand that Grandma is wrong, but you can't prove or explain anything to her. How can I persuade a child to obey my mother?" The essence is the same, how to make a child comfortable? Where is the red button?

I dare to disappoint you. Children are generally uncomfortable creatures. And trying to make the child comfortable and fit into the interior is a difficult and thankless task. It's like trying to break the laws of physics. It can be violated, but the consequences are usually not offended.

So it is with children: they want to drink and pee at the most inopportune moment; they will dig into the food that you offer them; violate your rules and the rules of your parents; dirty clothes; irritate with their slowness or activity; take expensive things of parents; cry and laugh off schedule; demand attention; break toys and ask for new ones; and they will do a lot of other inconvenient things, simply because they are characterized by high cognitive activity and very low self-control, as well as lack of ideas about the hierarchy of relations between people and the value of expensive material objects.

In fact, there is a red button that will instantly make your children comfortable. Fear. If children are intimidated by shouting, threats, a belt, flogging, deprivation, then they will become very much nothing. So comfortable, submissive. But only, as I have already said, they do not take offense at the consequences.

Is it really worth enduring and allowing the antics of a child? Not at all. It's just worth understanding one important thing: parenting books, psychology are not at all about how to make a child comfortable. They are about how to learn to live with a child. How to understand and find a common language with a child. How to nurture and build a relationship with a child. Just as a woman and a man build relationships, take into account the needs, interests, character, preferences, desires of each other. Everyone knows what happens when one adult suppresses another and makes him comfortable... Children have no such choice...

It turns out that it is necessary to build relationships with children? Exactly. An inconvenient child is a misunderstood child. It's difficult with him because you don't understand him. Thus, it is not necessary to look for an answer to the question "How to make a child comfortable in 10 days?", and "How to learn to understand your child?" And then, when understanding is achieved, it will become clear that behind every hysteria there is an unmet need; behind the spilled expensive perfume, curiosity; for uncontrollability and insanity, lack of adequate boundaries; for non-compliance with not quite sound grandmother's prescriptions, the personality of the child. And not the desire to annoy you!

And if you dare to seek help from a child psychologist, be prepared for the fact that he will not show you the buttons. You know perfectly well where she is. And if you don't use it, then you want a better relationship with your child. But to learn to understand, listen, respect, trust, take responsibility - get ready. Not to change the child for yourself, but to change with the child - that's the key to a good relationship.

People turned to the Sage:
— We don't need jungle pedagogy. Tell us about another pedagogy.
The Wise Man said
, "Then listen to the parable.

The King of Kings announced a competition for Divine Pedagogy. The wisest men from different countries and eras came to him. The King of Kings told them:
— Honorable men, tell me about three things of your pedagogy: about the fundamental idea, about the main goal and about the main methods of education.
Said Marcus Fabius Quintilian:
— Oh, King of Kings! Here is my main idea of education: "Father, as soon as your son is born, put the greatest hopes on him." The goal is the development of the soul, because we have it of heavenly origin. By the methods I proclaim: caring, naturalness, play.
The King of Kings was surprised by the wisdom of Quintilian:
— Truly, this is Divine Pedagogy!
Jan Amos Komensky appeared before him.
— Oh, King of Kings! I extract the fundamental idea of my pedagogy from my heart: "Child, understand that you are a microcosm capable of embracing the macrocosm." The purpose of raising a child is to educate the mind in him. The methods are naturalness and wisdom.
The King of Kings admired:
— Truly, it is also Divine Pedagogy!
Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi bowed his head before the King of Kings:
— Listen, O King, to the main idea of my pedagogy: "The eye wants to look, the ear wants to hear, the legs want to walk, and the hands want to grab. But also the heart wants to believe and love. The mind wants to think." The goal is to develop the child's mind, heart and hands in their unity. The methods I offer are: conformity to nature, trust, compassion.
The King of Kings applauded:
— Truly, you also give us Divine Pedagogy!
Konstantin Dmitrievich Ushinsky bowed to the Tsar of Tsars and said:
— My pedagogy is based on the idea: "Education should enlighten a person's consciousness so that a clear road of good lies before his eyes." My goal is to educate a spiritually and morally elevated person. My methods are nationality, social education, life and aspiration.
The King of Kings solemnly pronounced:
— I recognize your Pedagogy as Divine!
Janusz Korczak bowed his head before the King of Kings and said sadly:
— Here is my belief for you: "There are no children — there are people, but with a different scale of concepts, different sources of experience, different aspirations, a different play of feelings." My goal is to educate a joyful person. My methods come from my heart: the romance of upbringing, spontaneity, devotion and self-sacrifice.
The King of Kings bowed before Janusz Korczak:
— You defended your Divine Pedagogy with your life!
Vasily Alexandrovich Sukhomlinsky appeared before the Tsar of Tsars. He put his hand to his heart and said:
— The foundation of my pedagogy is my faith: "Having access to a fairy—tale palace, whose name is childhood, I have always considered it necessary to become a child to some extent. Only under this condition, children will not look at you as a person who accidentally entered the gates of their fairy-tale world." The goal I am striving for is the education of a citizen who is spiritually and morally pure. I recognize the methods of education: love, education with the heart, creativity and joy.
The King of Kings shook hands with Sukhomlinsky. After listening to everyone, he proclaimed:
— Oh, honorable men, every Pedagogy presented by you is Divine. Let's give them to the peoples of our kingdom, let the people themselves choose according to what Divine Pedagogy they want to educate their children!

The sage fell silent. The silence of the people dragged on. The Sage looked at them and thought sadly: "O man, you will not overcome the problem of upbringing until you overcome yourself, because it is in you, not in the child. As long as you believe that you have already been brought up yourself, your child will suffer many times from your educational mistakes."

They say we look at ourselves with parental eyes all our lives: we admire ourselves if our parents admired us, and we despise if they despised us. They say that with their words we praise ourselves and scold. And how to get rid of it, eh?

When asked about my main drawback, I always answered immediately: "Lazy! There's nothing to even think about. I'm the laziest person I've ever seen." I remember how the therapist, a dear aunt, looked at me over her glasses: "Natasha, remind me for which publications you are writing now." I began to count my fingers: "On Mondays I hand in a column for this magazine, on Tuesdays – for this..." It turned out that I keep five weekly columns.

And these were not passing texts. In general, I work conscientiously, since both editors and readers are waiting for: "Well, what will Radulova give out this week" - and they have every right to do so. A weekly column is not "sat down and wrote." This is an endless tension – you have to read a lot, think a lot, jump up in the middle of the night and write something down, in the morning, taking a shower, think about the title, and in the queue at the supermarket checkout - over the subtitle. You have to constantly, always look for topics. Banging your head against the wall if you can't tell the story simply, easily, so that it "reads in one breath.".. What can I say! This is hard labor. And if he hadn't been so painfully attractive to me, I would have run away to the miners a long time ago.

So I had five columns a week. In addition, I worked on the staff of a federal publication, where I was required to travel to the regions to prepare large, serious reports. In rubber boots, I dragged myself to all sorts of villages where residents were interested: "There is nothing more to write about in Moscow? Why did you come here by train and two buses, poor thing? Well, let's take you at least to the cowshed, or something." Returning from the cowsheds, I sat down to sculpt articles for three glossy magazines, and glossy editors-in-chief took out my brain with their calls: "Funnier! Even funnier!" I didn't sleep much, I almost didn't communicate with friends, I even wrote one text a day on vacation – my rubrics didn't go on vacation.

"Is that it?" the therapist asked me. I drooped: "No. I'm also blogging. Several posts a day." I began to realize that my idea of myself, to put it mildly, does not really correspond to reality. Why, being loaded to the limit of my abilities, did I keep saying, "I'm lazy"?

"Whose words are these?" –I knew that this question was inevitable. I cried because I recognized these intonations with which I reproached myself for idleness–that's what my parents and grandparents said all my childhood. I was an excellent student, after school I sat with my younger brother, did my homework, helped with the housework – who grew up in the village knows what it is and at what age children there begin to work in the field and in the garden. I didn't have almost a single free minute. And still I heard: "You're lazy, you should just read. You even wash dishes while looking at a book. The world has never seen such a lazy girl!"

Of course, they said so, because they themselves were taught the same thing in their childhood. Of course, they loved me and just tried to raise a hardworking person who could achieve something in life. And, of course, they knew only one way to raise a child - to criticize more often.

Tennis player Andre Agassi wrote in his autobiography that his father forced him to train literally like a slave and at the same time was always dissatisfied. He took all his achievements for granted, and was ready to tear him apart for the slightest mistake. Little Andre dreamed that one day he would break out of this slavery. But the moment came when he realized that he could not escape from his father, this man was forever in his mind. "I'm playing with a boy named Jeff Tarango. He owns a racket much worse than me, and yet I lose the first set – 6-4. I'm shocked. My father is ready to kill me... "Why didn't you listen to me? Why did you keep shortening the punches?" But for the first time in my life, I'm not afraid of my father. And even if he's furious, I'm even more furious than he is. I'm angry at Tarango, at God, at myself... I had to prevent the game from ending like this. Now there will always be defeat on my record. And there's nothing you can do about it. I am unable to continue the thought, but it comes by itself: I may be wrong. I am imperfect. Defective... For many years I listened to my father yell at me for my mistakes. One single defeat – and now I am cruelly executing myself. I adopted his manner – his impatience, perfectionism, rage, and now his voice is not just like mine: his voice became mine. I don't need a father to torment me anymore. I'll be fine on my own."

I didn't need my parents either, I blamed myself without their help. She treated herself the way they treated me – they were also perfectionists, confident that her daughter could have done more and better if she had tried... Clean up the rooms, wash the windows, rub the floor, whitewash the kitchen, weed the beds, plant seven rose bushes under the windows, get to know yourself and pour coffee for seven weeks. Don't have time? So hurry up!

When another woman complains to me that she comes across scoundrels who either beat her or morally humiliate her, then I always want to ask: "How did your dad treat you?" Or maybe the mother always repeated that no one would need a daughter with such a character – here she is he does not pretend to much. The daughter persuades herself all her life with a mother's voice: "I'm a fool. Where do I go," and the world willingly responds with an echo: "You're a fool. Where are you going."

I do not know if it is possible to permanently change these parental attitudes, but there are ways to correct and weaken their destructive impact. You will have to realize a lot, comprehend, forgive, work out a lot, and even in the office of the same therapist. It's difficult and painful and not everyone wants it. And most citizens do not even think about such things at all.

But the biblical principle "What you sow, you reap" still works, whether we know about it or not. And when I read about some extraordinary women, with whom kings, poets and other artists fell in love, who drove all their contemporaries crazy, I smile: "Probably, this girl was adored in her family, since she behaved like a crown princess all her life."

Lilya Brik, the one about whom Mayakovsky wrote: "Apart from your love, I have no sun," she told in a book of memoirs about how she went abroad to study sculpture in her youth. And then, as if by the way, she mentioned one episode: "Dad came to see me from Kissingen. He begged me very much to return to Moscow with him, he cried over my hands, roughened from work, stroked and kissed them, saying: "Look, Lilinka, what have you done with your beautiful hands! Drop it all, let's go home." But I have decided firmly to become a Praxiteles."

Dad thought everything about her was beautiful, told her about it all the time, he stroked and kissed her hands – how many fathers say that and do that? For Lily, it was so normal, so natural, that she didn't even attach much importance to it. Is it any wonder that then she was considered an extraordinary beauty by all the men who communicated with her? Although now, looking only at the dispassionate photos, citizens exclaim: "Yes, this Brick is scary as a goose! Why was everyone so upset about her?" People treat us the way we treat ourselves. And we treat ourselves the way our parents treated us.

That girl, over whose hands her adoring dad cried: "Let's go home, Lilinka!" – then she will receive a letter from the great Russian poet: "There is no life without you. I've always said it, I've always known it. Now I feel it with all my being... If you don't even answer, you're one of my thoughts. As I loved you seven years ago, so I love you this second."

Love your children.

In our everyday life, we do not even imagine how often we face the problem of trust. Meanwhile, it is constantly present in life — when we communicate with other people, when we read or watch TV, when we listen to the radio or turn to the Internet for information, when we raise our children or are at work.

How trust is born

Trust, despite such "absolute clarity" for everyone, is a much more complex phenomenon than it may seem at first glance. How is trust born, how is it formed, what influences this process?

The famous psychologist Eric Erickson believed that a sense of trust is formed in a child on the experience of the first year of life. Gradually, it turns into an attitude that determines not only the child's attitude to himself, but also to the world. How developed this feeling will be in the baby depends on the degree of care of the mother, on how the internal connection between them is carried out. Erickson believed that "a mother should treat a child in the unmistakable language of internal communication, then he will be able to trust her, the world and himself...". And again: "Mothers form a sense of trust in their children thanks to such treatment, which consists of sensitive care for the individual needs of the child and a distinct feeling that she herself is the person who can be trusted."

Otherwise, a basic distrust of the world is formed, which can subsequently be accompanied by total anger, fantasies of destruction and vandalism. Lack of trust in early childhood for an adult can turn into a sharp alienation, "withdrawal into himself" when he does not get along with himself or with other people. Thus, a sense of trust in oneself, in others, in the world is the basis of a healthy personality.

Close and safe

It is not surprising that children brought up in orphanages, growing up in the absence of a loved one, experience a great lack of trust. They do not know how to properly build trusting relationships with other people, to be selective and isolated in their feelings. However, the need for trust in such children is very great and remains unsatisfied.

The researchers note that the main conditions for the emergence of trust are the importance and security in relationships with those people with whom a person lives. If at least one of these characteristics is not preserved, then trusting relationships are violated, and this, in turn, greatly deforms the identity of the trustee. Since the children of orphanages find themselves in specific life circumstances, the conditions for the emergence of trust are most often violated, therefore, the attitude of trust in the world is not formed.

Trust in the world: why is it necessary and how to educate? From an infant to a teenager

Who to trust and what to trust

The following qualities, which are also formed at the early stages of a child's development, are selectivity and selectivity of trust. Simply put, understanding who to trust and what to trust.

In the process of upbringing, the child begins to understand that full trust in all the people around him is not safe. This gradually leads to the formation of selectivity and selectivity in relationships. It is clear that in children experiencing a deficit in care, attention, and love — in this case, in the children of the orphanage — the characteristics of trust are either deformed or undeveloped at all.

If we talk about children living in families, then the feeling of distrust can worsen if parents adhere to opposite methods of education or feel insecure in their role. This contributes to the creation of an atmosphere of uncertainty, ambiguity of what is happening, as a result of which there is a feeling of uncertainty, which gradually only increases.

From childhood and for life

So, initially, trust arises in early childhood with the need for security and security. Its appearance is based on the emotional relationship of the child with the mother. In the process of development, the baby learns to trust first close people — family, and growing up — peers, friends. The child has a certain experience of interacting with others. Trusting relationships with the world begin to be reflected in the qualities of a person and influence the general behavior of a person.

In adolescence, an interested and sincere attitude towards a teenager on the part of parents and other close adults is of great importance. As a result, the student has faith in himself as a relatively stable personality quality and the ability to treat people differentially from the point of view of trust.

Of course, as a result of each life situation, a person gets a new experience that can influence the change of his past attitudes for the "better" or "worse" side. However, the value of the basic trust or distrust acquired in childhood remains the leading one.

"As world experience shows, no civilized society can function without a high level of trust," writes Russian researcher T.P. Skripkina. "But trust cannot be invested from anywhere, it cannot be taught, it cannot be ideologically planted, it can only be "grown" in the soul of each individual person."

问题：因为我们有孩子，我们生活在没有电视，因为我们想保持和支持自己的内心世界和想象力的看法。 直到最近，他们每周看一部电影，然后和我们一起。 现在我们的客厅里有一个多媒体中心，我们把它当作电视，孩子们在上面玩电脑游戏。 电视不是问题：他们每两周只看一次足球，有时还看一次娱乐节目，但他们更喜欢玩电脑游戏。

他们每个人每天都被允许玩半小时，但是，当然，他们想玩得更长，他们经常问："妈妈，我们可以多玩一点吗？"我们通常会给他们这个额外的时间，一切都很顺利。 但有时我们，父母，想想是否是时候让他们为他们在屏幕前花费多少时间承担责任–就像他们在生活的其他领域承担一些责任一样。

另一方面，我们成年人从我们自己的经验中知道这个虚拟世界是如何"吮吸"并窃取宝贵的时间的。 我们不知道这些看似无害的游戏到底有多危险。 乍一看，孩子们得到了严格规则的帮助，但他们当然会尽一切努力延长规定的时间。 他们说："妈妈，请更改密码，否则我们一定会在你离开时开始玩。"我做到了，所以当我们不在家时，他们无法访问游戏。

几天后，莫里茨无缘无故地与我分享，有几次他们假装关掉电脑，关上办公室的门，大声地玩其他玩具，这样我们就不会听到电脑实际上还在工作。 然后，当我们离开时，他们继续玩。 他不能对自己保守这个秘密。

所以我认为他们的电脑时间需要限制。 但与此同时，我受到百感交集的折磨：一方面，我想保护他们免受潜在的强烈依赖，另一方面–让他们有机会发展自己的意志力并学会抵制诱惑。 你有什么意见？

戈登*纽菲尔德的回答:

"首先，我们大大低估了电脑游戏导致严重成瘾的能力。"

它们的设计方式是为了吸引我们的依恋本能，但以最不脆弱的方式：依恋占据一席之地，竞争。 他们会上瘾，而且非常强大。

"其次，我认为我们不应该期望孩子们能够自己处理。"

就像他们不能自己决定饮酒或营养一样。 要做到这一点，必须有非常明确的规则，例如：甜点在主菜之后供应。 以及伴随膳食的某些仪式，可以吃的东西等。 电脑游戏之类的有很强的影响，我会说，他们是在同一水平的食物。

"问题是，在我们的社会中没有形成正确的文化，也没有明确的仪式，限制，规则管理上述所有内容。"

这就是为什么我认为创造这种文化非常非常重要。 就像孩子们可以从自助餐中偷走额外的饼干一样，他们可以偷走额外的游戏时间。 但不要为此责怪他们--这超出了他们的力量。 它只是告诉你存在依赖关系，你需要减少它。

当然，年龄越大，他们越了解自己，他们就越能自己应对。 但在10岁时，他们仍然太年轻了，在我看来，他们仍然需要明确的规则。 青少年也是如此–例如，我们希望他们能够在营养方面照顾自己。

"但对于这一点，他们必须有一个良好的基础：与自己的关系，有百感交集的能力-那么他们将能够以巨大的成功应对它。"

但我特别喜欢这个问题的是你的孩子对你的感情模式！ 在这个场合，我还想说两件事:

"首先，他们对你的依恋给了你责任。 你必须看他们如何应对。"

在那些可能发生强烈成瘾的地区尤其如此-这是与依恋有关的一切：食物，电子信息，电脑游戏。 不管它是什么，它必须由规则，仪式来调节。 如果孩子们不能应付，我们缩短时间。

其次，这也适用于依恋，如果孩子在深层次上依附于你，在他不想让你的秘密分开你的水平上，这种依恋给了你一定的义务。

"如果一个孩子是安全的，深深地依恋着你，他不能对你保密，他们只是自己从他身上跳出来。"

在这种情况下没有必要责骂孩子。 毕竟，你已经明白发生了什么。 当依恋处于这个层面时，它让你有机会意识到正在发生的事情，并在此基础上采取一些步骤。

他们可能会在某个时候狡猾地做一些事情，但这不是你们整个关系的特征。 这就是最大的区别。 他们可能会秘密地从你那里玩，仅仅是因为他们对这些游戏非常吸引，但他们在你们的关系中对你诚实，并且由于这一点，你有机会做一些事情。

"如果你的孩子与你分享他的秘密，你总是有很多机会影响这种情况。"

你可以负担得起给你的孩子多一点自由，看看他是否可以妥善处理它，如果没有，退后一步。 但是，如果孩子不在这种依恋水平，你将不得不按照"上帝照顾"的原则行事，并相应地限制他，因为这会导致太多的依赖。

1. 和你的孩子谈谈。 在这个年龄段，心理有一个积极的发展，孩子可以识别父母言语的个别词语并对其中的一些作出反应。 孩子们也可以重复一些单词。 因此，你和孩子说话的次数越多，他们知道和重复的单词就越多，他们用完整的句子说话的速度就越快。
   即使你的孩子不懂很多，也要阅读。 如果一个孩子缺乏沟通，那么，当然，儿童的智力发育存在严重问题（例如，无忌综合征）。

2. 永远不要对孩子大喊大叫

或者在任何人，如果孩子能听到你在那一刻。 永远不要发誓，因为它会引起儿童心理的不良变化。 为你的后代做一个很好的榜样。

3. 紧紧拥抱和亲吻宝宝

当然，这对孩子的发育总是很重要的，但是当你的宝宝1岁的时候，你应该特别注意它。 根据心理学家的说法，孩子的自我意识在这个年龄开始形成。 一般来说，一岁的孩子通过其他人对他们的态度来了解自己。 "我是某人"？? 或者别人对我的看法。 如果你不向你的孩子表明你爱他，那么他可能会成为一个不安全的成年人。

4. 永远不要说"我不爱你"

出于上述原因。

5. 让宝宝探索一切。

沮丧的爸爸经常在他一岁的孩子宠坏东西或借鉴重要文件时对他大喊大叫。 但是，正如发展心理学所证实的那样，孩子不知道这些东西是无法触及的。 为了避免问题，只需将"危险"的东西放在儿童接触不到的地方。

6. 让孩子玩不同的东西。

好的父母希望他们的孩子有最好的玩具，但他们不在玩具商店出售。 最好的玩具应该有助于孩子的身心发展，所以让他们玩盒子，钹，钢琴（甚至是真实的）等。，但总是和孩子一起玩！然后，您将能够控制过程，并体验与您的小"科学家"交流的乐趣。

7. 永远不要让一个1岁的孩子看电视。

它对儿童的眼睛和语言发育和身体发育都是有害的。 只是走路和孩子一起玩，阅读和唱歌，所以这一切都很好地发展了他。 这将为孩子的心灵带来真正的好处。

8. 记住你的孩子很小，手无寸铁。

儿童身体发育的速度通常与智力发育的速度不吻合。 也就是说，你的孩子身体快速增长，但这并不意味着他们像你一样聪明。 事实上，他们要聪明得多，因为他们记住和复制的信息比你多得多，但他们只在这个星球上生活了一年！ 他们只是不知道很多事情。 所以，与其把他们关在剧院里，不如和他们一起在公园里散散步。

9. 不要让你的孩子为所欲为。

1年的心理让孩子理解并遵循简单的指示，例如"不要碰它。"但不应该有太多的禁令，否则孩子会获得对所有新事物的恐惧。 然而，儿童的智力发展在此期间并不处于高峰期，所以你最好向他们解释为什么你禁止这样或那样。 你自己很快就会习惯，孩子就会知道他的父母信任他。

10. 永远不要比较你的孩子

和任何人在一起，不管对他有利与否。 首先，它会让你看到孩子，只有成功的证据，而不是一个人。 其次，你会破坏孩子对自己的信心，在你的爱和奉献的人。
请记住，孩子生命的最初几年是对他未来发展的一大投资。

Talking to a child is a whole art that many adults find difficult. It seems to us that we are talking, and the children are doing their own thing. We demand understanding from the child, but we refuse to understand it ourselves. We switch to shouting, blackmail, we set conditions, in general, we act from a position of strength.

However, we ourselves really don't like being talked to in this way. If we listen to ourselves, we will understand that we would never listen to someone who treats us like that. At least, they would have held a grudge for sure.

So the children feel the same way. And they resist as much as they can – because of their age.
But communication with a child can be different if parents take into account the feelings of the child and the peculiarities of the child's psyche. About simple but effective words that will help to establish contact with children, read the article by teacher Irina Khmelnitskaya.

10 almighty words for parents

Simple, powerful and effective words. Here you will not find either "thank you" or "patience", although they are certainly also very important. Our post is just a reminder that we already know how we feel and are wrong.

1. Whisper. Even while working at school, I made a promise to myself not to raise my voice to the students or to anyone at all. Screaming is a manifestation of one's own weakness. But children, especially young ones, react to intonation more than to the content of speech. How to get through to the fidgets without raised tones? Tested: the only medicine that works more effectively than screams (even if they are from the best intentions) is when you bend over to your baby's ear, having made eye contact before that, and start talking – very quietly. This requires high self-control from parents. But it gives amazing results.

2. Maybe. Because to say the traditional "no" is like taking the baby off the fuse. The ban "head-on" can provoke hysteria, especially if the child who hears "no" is hungry or just tired. As an alternative, we suggest "maybe" – at least, this is honest. This is better than adding fuel to the fire with the help of endless "nots". If the children ask: "Are we going to go outside now?", I calmly inform: "Maybe." And I add: "If you put all the toys on the shelves and get dressed quickly." This helps motivate the guys to behave accordingly. And then everything is simple: they removed the toys, got dressed – went outside, did not clean – did not go. It is important that adults fulfill their own promises themselves. The words "We'll see" and "a little later" are just as effective.

3. I'm sorry. Adults are also wrong. What can I do? We are not gods. We are ready to apologize to relatives, friends, colleagues at work. And our children need politeness no less than adults. This models a respectful attitude towards others. Children really need to see this kind of communication – a good example sets the format of behavior in the future, and also helps to understand that no one in this world is perfect, which, in general, is true.

4. Stop. A signal that stops the child, interrupts his actions that we want to stop, and tells us what to do instead. If children are rushing around the apartment, it is useless to lecture, it is enough to say: "Stop!" and give the tool: "Sit at the table and put together a puzzle / build a castle." Agree with the baby in advance that "Stop, the game!" applies to everyone without exception under any circumstances: all actions stop (if the game does not follow the rules, it becomes dangerous, unpleasant, too noisy ...). The main thing is not to abuse this powerful tool, otherwise it will cease to be effective.

5. Eyes. We all listen more carefully, looking into the eyes of the interlocutor. When I want to be sure that the guys really listen to me and hear me, I ask: "Where are the eyes?" Hint: you need to say it quite calmly, preferably affectionately, with a smile or neutrally, otherwise the children just won't want to look at you. Who would want to meet the gaze of an angry and screaming person? And as soon as children's eyes are glued to you, you own children's attention.

6. Learning. If our child makes a mistake, the phrase "It's okay, it's okay – we're all learning!" comes to the rescue. It will also be useful for protection from oblique glances, from people who look at us with disapproval together with the child. After all, we all learn, including those who drill us with their eyes.

7. You can! Remind the child of this when he doubts his abilities. Failure is only a signal that the baby will achieve the desired result if he puts a little more effort, practices. Tell the kids that you know they can. And be sure to reveal the secret: many of the things that you are doing yourself with ease, once required so much effort from you.

8. Be! When children ask questions, give them your eyes and attention. When kids talk about something, listen. Be with your child. It means so much to a little person. Somehow, on the way home from kindergarten, my three-year-old son, already asking the one hundred and first question, realized that I was answering mechanically "yes-no" (strength after a working day is running out), but I still wanted to support the conversation. As a result, I heard an insistent: "Well, Mom, tell me! You're not talking!" Children immediately feel how much we are loaded into a conversation with them.

9. Always! It is not surprising that where children are, it is always noisy and restless! Tantrums happen, sweets are removed away, entertainment is canceled. But some things remain untouchable. And our love for children is among them. It is very important to tell them about it. Especially in those days when something went wrong, feelings are exhausted, and strength is running out. This is part of the evening ritual before going to bed. I hug my son and tell him: "Mom loves you very much and will always love you, no matter what happens." It is very important for children to know and hear that our love for them is unconditional and unconditional. Constant. Indelible. Always!

10. Laugh. Many things that annoy us as parents probably wouldn't be like this if we could just laugh at them. A good laugh is a wonderful reset button, if you want, a switch.

The truth is that these 10 words help not only parents, so be stronger, join the parental vocabulary.

Based on Becky Gaylord

每个父母都应该清楚地认识到，永远失败的成年人是从父母"忘记"并且无法形成时间价值感的孩子中成长出来的。

我们有多少次听到我们的父母或老师："时间是一个小时的乐趣"，"不要推迟明天你今天可以做的事情"，"没有任何东西像时间这样的价格"，"时间就是金钱！"而这些都不是空话-他们是几个世纪的人类经验，人类智慧的捆绑的结果。

许多现代商务人士，经历了长期缺乏时间，不仅休息，而且工作，去课程的"自我管理的组织他们的时间。"他们在那里度过，顺便说一句，不仅有很多钱，还有他们宝贵的时间，希望他们在那里被教导…

我们毫不怀疑，他们的希望是完全合理的。 然而，考虑到再培训总是比较困难，我们想帮助父母教他们的孩子管理自己的时间。

有必要教时间感吗？

时间感不仅意味着通过时钟的手来确定时间的能力，而且还意味着对某个事件，业务，任务真正必要的时间长度的内在感觉。 例如，你的孩子知道他可以穿多少分钟吗？ 从家到幼儿园需要多长时间?

回答这个问题："时间感是天生的还是培养出来的？"，我们宣布与所有责任—培育。 每个父母都应该清楚地认识到，永远失败的成年人是从父母"忘记"或未能形成时间价值感的孩子中成长出来的。

每个事件都有自己的时间长度这一事实对于一个三到五岁的婴儿来说是一个发现。 这是不可能的，一个小的孩子，甚至认为他的每一个动作是由时间来衡量的事实。 因此，这符合你的利益，首先，为了孩子的利益，帮助他在上学前做出这一发现，而不是不断地责骂他的心不在焉，缺乏秩序和怨恨他再次没有时间。

心理学家说，通过教孩子管理他的时间，成年人在他身上带来了注意力，独立性和组织性。

从哪里开始？

只有当父母给他管理时间的机会时，孩子才能学会感受时间。 如果管理孩子时间的权利不断掌握在父母手中，即他们决定婴儿何时起床，何时走路，何时睡觉，等等，那么孩子一方面根本没有需要，另一方面，没有机会学 而有些家长没有及时以任何方式规范孩子的生活。 当他醒来，然后他起床，当他想要的时候，他想吃多少就吃多少，玩多少就玩多少。 有了这样的"永恒"，孩子怎么能学会感受时间呢？ 事情就是这样，绝不是这样…

每个人的时间感与他的情绪状态密切相关。 你还记得电影英雄之一的表达："时间的感觉取决于你在厕所门的哪一边"吗？ 也许每个人都熟悉这样一个事实：当你对一些业务充满热情时，时间就像瞬间一样飞逝，在医生的门下15分钟的等待变成了一个折磨的地狱。 特别是它涉及到孩子。 例如，一个孩子喜欢看动画片。 妈妈告诉他，动画片将在半小时内播放。 而即使孩子正式知道表盘上的分针在半小时内应该经过多少时间，他仍然会每隔五分钟跑过来问："半小时已经过去了吗？"很明显-强烈的欲望扭曲了时间感。

儿童的实时扭曲被认为是很自然的。 对于一个孩子来说，有两个条件是典型的：要么他对游戏充满热情（最喜欢的卡通片等）。）然后时间对他来说不存在，或者他不知道该做什么，到处闲逛，然后时间似乎对他停止了。

请记住，你可能有类似的情况下，当你醒来的孩子在早上离开家前一个小时。 而你只有一个小时的时间来整理自己，孩子，自己吃点零食，并在幼儿园收集他需要的一切。 当你打扮，化妆，吃早餐时，宝宝已经被一些东西（绘画，玩娃娃，构造函数等）带走了。). 你叫他打扮。 他不来......不是因为他没有听到他的母亲，不是因为他顽皮和有害，而是因为他处于"永恒"（顺便说一句，这是他自然的童年状态）。 然而，与宝宝不同，你清楚地知道你的分钟是严格规定的。 结果，对孩子的刺激在你的灵魂中沸腾。 他只是不明白为什么妈妈像飓风一样飞进房间，拿走他最喜欢的玩具，拖着他的脖子去穿衣服。 他只是不能像你一样意识到时间！ 在这种情况下该怎么办？

答案很简单，就像一切辉煌。 接近孩子并深入研究他的游戏世界，然后以某种方式对他做出反应：对正在进行的过程进行积极的评估，询问有关故事情节的问题，然后将游戏切换到其 调节孩子上课的时间，但不是通过孩子无法意识到的分钟数，而是通过操作的次数："让我们在这里完成画花，去穿衣服";"让我们完成房子的屋顶，去";"小猪现在…

相信我，这个策略将不超过3-5分钟，但你不会像水壶一样"煮沸"，你不会破坏孩子的游戏，你将能够学到很多关于宝宝的有趣的事情。

通过玩来学习…

在去某个地方之前，例如，去幼儿园，问孩子："你认为我们今天需要多长时间才能到达幼儿园？"在孩子的回答之后，你可以挑衅地标记时间，不仅要注意时钟上指针的位置，还要注意"开始"的位置。 与此同时，第一次，你可以提供他走通常的步骤。 在几天内重复实验，但同意慢慢进行。 下次，提供快速走这条路。 在您进行了这三个实验后，与您的孩子讨论步行速度和时间的比例。 问问他的感受。 他最喜欢以什么速度去花园？ 考虑到他将来的愿望。 如果你的能力和他的欲望分歧（例如，他想慢慢走，你，当然，达不到情绪）-向孩子解释为什么早上是不可取的。 承诺（当然，与随后的执行），在晚上，你会走，因为他喜欢。

一起音乐

当然，你的孩子已经有他的家务。 有些他心甘情愿地快速地做，有些他非常不情愿地非常缓慢地做。 想想哪首歌他能做得更快，即什么节奏的音乐将对应于这项活动。 这是更好地选择音乐考虑到孩子的音乐品味。 当遇到这种情况时，同意宝宝的意见，他会做这种不被爱的事情（例如，铺床）以欢快欢快的旋律："一起走过空地很有趣！"每天早上给他打开这首歌，这将是一种"有条件的信号"。 过了一会儿，孩子就已经把这首歌哼给自己听了，用适当的动作节奏来铺床。 即使正如他们所说，熊踩到了宝宝的耳朵，这并不意味着这种技术不适合他，因为对给定节奏的感知在这里很重要，根据这种感知，更容易进行不被爱的活

除了歌曲，你可以使用另一个技巧。 让你的孩子，执行他不爱的家务，变成某种童话般的英雄谁做的一切，并迅速和认真。 例如，如果你的宝宝不喜欢洗碗，让她想象她是灰姑娘，她急于去参加舞会，但必须做她被指示做的一切。

5分钟是很多还是很少？

问孩子他认为他可以在5分钟内做什么。 这是非常重要的，宝宝有测量与他的生活中的某些事情实时的持续时间的经验。 在他思考并说出他可以在5分钟内做什么之后，让他立即尝试去做，你会注意到它实际上需要多少时间。 之后，请务必讨论真实时间和估计时间之间的差异。

下一次，问孩子他可以在10分钟内做什么，然后在15。 渐渐地，孩子会意识到他在一段时间内履行所有职责。 之后，问孩子他的15分钟任务中的哪一个可以在10中完成。 让他有机会通过经验来测试这一点。 问孩子，如果他想有大事在他的生活20甚至25分钟？

这样的课程让孩子明白，不是在所有情况下，他们的执行时间只取决于他，有一个客观确定的时间。 例如，如果妈妈或他想自己泡茶，他们将无法做到比水壶沸腾更快。

"时间守护者"

重要的是宝宝有观察的经验。 因此，在开始任何业务（洗衣，穿衣，吃饭等）之前，至少有时提供孩子。），看时钟并记住指针在表盘上的位置，然后在课程结束后比较它们的位置如何变化。