At the reception: (6-year-old boy, severe neurotic disorder)
- Who do you live with?
- With Mom.
- And Dad?
- And we kicked him out.
- How is that?
- We divorced him... he humiliates us... he 's not a man ... ruined our best years…
At the reception: (14-year-old teenager, severe migraines, fainting, illegal behavior)
- Why didn't you draw Dad, because you're the same family?
- It would be better if he didn't exist at all, such a dad…
- What do you mean?
- He fucked up his mother's whole life, behaved like a pig... now he doesn't work…
- And how does Dad treat you personally?
- Well, he doesn't scold for deuces…
- And that's it... what from him? ... I even earn money for my own entertainment…
- What do you do for a living?
- I'm making baskets…
- And who taught you?
- Father... he taught me a lot in general, I can still fish... I can drive a car... on a tree a little ...so by spring the boat was tarred, we will go fishing with my father.
- How do you sit in the same boat with a person who would be better off not being in the world at all?
- ... well, in general, we have such an interesting relationship with him... when my mother leaves, we are fine ... she doesn't get along with him, and I can even with my mother and father when not together...
At the reception: (a 6-year-old girl, communication problems, not attentive, nightmares, stuttering, biting her nails ...)
- Why did you draw only Mom and brother, but where are Dad and you?
- Well, we're in a different place so that Mom has a good mood…
- And if you are all together?
- That's bad…
- How bad is that?
- ... ... (girl crying)
After a while:
- Only you don't tell mom that I love dad too, very much…
At the reception: (teenager with severe neurotic disorder)
"... Does your son really believe in his father's death?"
- yes! We specifically told him this, ... and then God forbid he wants to meet with him, then you will not understand heredity, ... but my grandmother and I only say good things about my father, so that he does not worry and strives to become a good person.
At the reception: (8-year-old boy, severe depression and a number of other diseases)
- ... And what about Dad?
- I don't know…
I'm talking to my mom:
- You're not talking about your father's death?
- He knows, we talked about it... (mom is crying), and he doesn't ask, and he doesn't want to look at photos.
When Mom comes out of the office, I ask the boy:
- ... are you interested in finding out about Dad?
The boy comes to life and looks into my eyes for the first time.
- Yes, but you can't…
- Mom will cry again, don't.
While working with children, in my practice, I had to face the following facts:
Children love their parents equally much, regardless of the behavior they demonstrate.
The child perceives mom and dad as a whole and as an important part of himself.
The attitude of the child to the father and the father to the child is always formed by the mother. (The woman acts as an intermediary between the father and the child, it is she who broadcasts to the child: who his father is, what he is and how he should be treated).
The mother has absolute power over the child, she does with him whatever she wants, consciously or unconsciously. Such power is given to a woman by nature so that the offspring can survive without unnecessary doubts. At first, the mother herself is the child's world, and later she brings the child into the world through herself. The child learns the world through his mother, sees the world through her eyes, focuses on what is significant for his mother. Consciously and unconsciously, the mother actively forms the perception of the child. The mother also introduces the child's father, she broadcasts the degree of importance of the father. If the mother does not trust her husband, then the child will avoid the father.
At the reception:
My daughter is 1 year 7 months old. She runs away from her father screaming, and when he takes her in his arms, she cries and breaks free. And lately she began to tell her father: “Go away, I don't love you. You're bad.”
And how do you really feel about your husband?
I am very offended by him... to the point of tears.
The attitude of the father to the child is also shaped by the mother. For example, if a woman does not respect the father of a child, then a man may refuse to pay attention to the child. The same situation repeats quite often: as soon as a woman changes her inner attitude towards the child's father, he unexpectedly expresses a desire to see the child and participate in his upbringing. And this is even in cases where the father had ignored the child for many years before.
If attention, memory is impaired, self–esteem is inadequate, and behavior leaves much to be desired, then there is a catastrophic lack of a father in the child's soul.
Rejection of the father in the family often leads to the appearance of intellectual and mental retardation of the child's development.
If the communicative sphere is disrupted, high anxiety, fears, and the child has not learned to adapt to life, and feels like a stranger everywhere, then he cannot find his mother in his heart in any way.
It is easier for children to cope with the problems of growing up if they feel that mom and dad accept them completely, as they are.
A child grows up healthy emotionally and physically when he is out of the zone of problems of his parents - each individually and/or them as a couple. That is, he takes his childhood place in the family system.
The child always “holds the flag” for the rejected parent. Therefore, he will connect with him in his soul by any means. For example, he can repeat the difficult features of fate, character, behavior, etc. Moreover, the more the mother does not accept these features, the more clearly they manifest in the child. But as soon as the mother sincerely allows the child to be like his father, to love him openly, the child will have a choice: to connect with his father through hard things or to love him directly – with his heart.
The child is devoted to mom and dad equally strongly, he is bound by love. But when a couple's relationship becomes difficult, the child, by the power of his devotion and love, is deeply involved in the difficult things that cause pain to parents. He takes on so much that he really eases the mental suffering of one or both parents at once in many ways. For example, a child can become psychologically equal to parents: a friend, a partner. And even a psychotherapist. And it can rise even higher, replacing them psychologically with their parents. Such a burden is unbearable neither for the physical nor for the mental health of the child. After all, in the end, he remains without his support – without parents.
When a mother does not love, does not trust, does not respect or is simply offended by the child's father, then looking at the child and seeing many manifestations of the father in him, consciously or unconsciously makes the baby understand that his “male part" is bad. It's like she's saying, “I don't like this. You're not my child if you look like your father.” And out of love for the mother, or rather because of a deep desire to survive in this family system, the child still refuses the father, and therefore the male in himself.
For such a refusal, the child pays too expensive a price. In his heart, he will never forgive himself for this betrayal. And he will definitely punish himself for this with a broken fate, poor health, bad luck in life. After all, it is unbearable to live with this guilt, even if it is not always realized. But this is the price of his survival.
In order to roughly feel what is going on in the child's soul, try to close your eyes and imagine the two people closest to you, for whom you can, without hesitation, give your life. And now all three of you, holding hands tightly, are in the mountains. But the mountain you were standing on suddenly collapsed. And it turned out that you miraculously stayed on the rock, and two of your dearest people hung over the abyss, holding your hands. Your strength is running out and you realize that you can't pull two out. Only one person can be saved. Who will you choose? At this point, moms tend to say, “No, it's better to die together. This is terrible!”Indeed, it would be easier, but the living conditions are such that the child has to make an impossible choice. And he does it. More often in the direction of mom. “Imagine that you finally let go of one person and pulled out another.
But nature is wise - the topic of anger at the mother in childhood is tabulated rigidly. This is justified, because mom not only gives life, she also supports it. After abandoning Dad, Mom remains the only person who can support in life. Therefore, expressing your anger, you can cut down the branch on which you are sitting. And then this anger turns on itself (autoaggression). “It was me who did a bad job, I betrayed Dad, I didn't do enough to... and I'm the only one. Mom is not to blame - she is a weak woman.” And then the problems with behavior, mental and physical health begin.
The masculine is much more than resembling his own father. The male principle is the law. Spirituality. Honor and dignity. A sense of proportion (an inner sense of relevance and timeliness). Social self-realization (work for the soul, a good material income, a career) is possible only if there is a positive image of the father in the soul of a person.
No matter how wonderful the mother is, only the father can initiate the adult part inside the child. (Even if the father himself failed to build a relationship with his own father. This is not so important for the initiation process). Have you probably met adults who are infantile and helpless as children? They start a lot of things at the same time, have a lot of projects, but they never finish any of them. Or those who are afraid to start a business, to be active in social self-realization. Or those who can't say no. Or they do not keep their word, it is difficult to rely on them in anything. Or those who constantly lie. Or those who are afraid to have their own point of view, agree with many against their own will, “bending” under the circumstances. Or vice versa, those who behave defiantly, fight with the outside world, opposing themselves to other people, doing a lot in spades, or even behave unlawfully. Or those to whom life in society is given with great difficulty, “exorbitantly”, etc. – all these are those people who did not have access to their father.